


the nature of repeating things

by cripplingdepresso



Category: Black Mirror (TV), Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Love Confessions, M/M, Soulmates, but Colin wouldn't want calling it that, i have no idea what to tag this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-19 21:18:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17609165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cripplingdepresso/pseuds/cripplingdepresso
Summary: What do loops, recursions, mirrors, and twin flames have to do with each other?They're repetitions.Colin changes his LSD rant a little bit, and things go snowballing from then on.





	the nature of repeating things

**Author's Note:**

> this is me rambling about the concept of twin flames, recursion algorithms, and mirrors but turned into fic form

What Stefan and Colin were living in wasn’t a loop. It was a recursion. A loop doesn’t remember what happens when it repeats. A recursion does. All a loop did was repeat the commands given to it, like making a program print the word “Bandersnatch” with no other command: When you run it your computer would just keep putting out the word “Bandersnatch” until it crashed and you had to try again. A recursion was different. It remembers.

And they were at Colin’s flat again, getting high off their asses for what seemed like the millionth time. It probably was. Stefan played with the lights flowing out of his fingers while Colin sat upside down on the couch, reciting the rant about PAC and the illusion of free will and everything around them being code. Colin knew that eventually one of them was going to jump out of his balcony. It was always bound to happen. Just like a loop did. Just like a loop did. Just like a loop did.

Until it wasn’t.

Colin got to the part about mirrors and for once in his four-month ever-repeating life, did his LSD laced mind remember something. A little fact he stumbled upon while reading some book about spirituality Kitty bought once.

“You know, people have always gotten soulmates wrong.” Came out his mouth.

Colin continued to let the words fall out of him.

“Soulmates aren’t your other half that you’re destined to be with forever. They’re just your spiritual family. Nothing romantic ‘bout that.”

For once his rant got derailed. For once things were going differently. Maybe one of them won’t be going over this time. Just like a loop did.

“What people are actually pertaining to are twin flames. Do you know what a twin flame is?” He didn’t realize it but he was now sitting upright and surprisingly closer to Stefan. The other’s eyes open wide and scanning everywhere else, then settling onto him. He weakly shook his head.

“Twin flames are perfect mirrors of each other. Like how a mirror shows you and the opposite of you at the same time. They’re not exactly the other half per se, but they’re you in a way you haven’t seen before. Twin flames are each other’s hidden potential. They introduce themselves to each other.”

Colin was about to continue when Stefan interrupted him.

“Like us?”

Things were going differently, indeed.

“Like… wait… us?” Colin was genuinely surprised. He didn’t expect Stefan to speak up.

Colin didn’t notice it, but instead of his hands cupping Stefan’s face it was the other way around. Things were going differently.

“Y-yeah.”

“How?’

He didn’t need to ask, because he already knew the answer. Colin just needed to hear it from Stefan.

“I was... i-instantly drawn to you even before we met. I don’t know what got into me but the first time I played your first game - White Bear - something.... something sparked. It’s like the game was specifically made for me. And ever since then I… it’s like everything I was doing was leading up to you. And I know you feel the same way.”

He was right. 

Stefan continued to ramble, “You’ve shown me… something I never knew about myself.” He bit his lip and looked away for a moment, which Colin had to admit was the cutest thing he had ever seen. “I remember every timeline we’ve been to, and I know what happens next by heart. But I still keep ending up here because of you. I’ve heard you talk about conspiracies, I’ve had you give me your knowledge thousands of times but I will never grow tired of it. I’m used to falling down.”

Hearing the words ‘I’m used to falling down’ made his heart ache. That only meant one thing.

That was when Colin realized that they weren’t in a loop. They were in a recursion. They both remembered. Colin was in a loss for words, and he replied with the next thing he knew.

Colin grabbed Stefan by the shoulders and smashed their lips together. Stefan was taken by surprise, his mouth unmoving at first until it clicked. He followed Colin’s movements. Their lips complementary to each other like puzzle pieces. They felt like a circuit finally connected. Electricity seemed to pass through their bodies. Stefan didn’t know if it was the acid doing its part but it felt like they were melting together, becoming one. The parts missing from him being filled by Colin alone and vice versa.

They’ve been here so many times that their sense of it has now completely distorted, but for some reason they felt millenia passing as they kissed and touched and desperately grabbed each other. It almost physically hurt Stefan when it ended.

Colin’s hand was intertwined with Stefan’s. Their breathing in sync. They looked at each other’s eyes. Then nodded.

Tonight they were becoming one.

Stefan followed Colin to the balcony, and they embraced the harsh cold air that greeted them the moment they stepped outside.

“Colin?” Stefan called.

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

“Thank you too. See you around?”

“Yeah.”

Then they jumped. Together. Unlike the loop did.

 

**RELAX, DON’T DO IT**

 

Just as he fell from the tower, he jolted right up from his bed.

Stefan ran a finger by his lips. Did they just? He couldn’t believe it.

They kissed.

They kissed and it felt like the best thing ever.

His shocked expression slowly morphed into a smile. He repeated the words  _ We kissed _ in his head a million times. He just couldn’t believe it. Yet it was real. 

“Colin kissed me,” he said to himself. As if thinking about it wasn’t enough. 

He covered his face with his hands like an embarrassed teenage girl. Wait, his alarm was still going off. Stefan reached out and pressed the button, stopping the music he’s heard one too many times. 

The smile was still on his face along with the feeling that what they did back in the balcony was right. No, it wasn’t a feeling. Stefan  _ knew _ he was on the right path. He wondered: If he could just turn it into something more. Or maybe, he could. Colin was the one who kissed him first; he took note. 

Stefan finally stepped off from the bed, going back into script. He washed his face and took his pills. He wondered if he should take Sugar Puffs or Frosties this timeline, or maybe he would just do a metaphorical ‘fuck you’ to the universe by picking both. 

He closed the medicine cabinet and for a moment he swore he saw Colin’s reflection instead of his.

They’ve really become one, haven’t they?

**Author's Note:**

> let's be real i have absolutely no idea on what the fuck was happening when i wrote this  
> this is supposed to end here but i feel like it's missing something (how ironic) so im writing a second part to this lmao


End file.
